Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
