Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
