when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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