i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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