The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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