My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
