it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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