I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
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I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
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im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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