I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
