Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
