We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
