I wish you could order shots online.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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