Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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