now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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