I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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