what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
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I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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