I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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