Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They took my balls.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
