I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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