the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
