cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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