sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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