does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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