I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
