I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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