Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
sarcasm needs its own font
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
