I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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