i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
