do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
