I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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