I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
