if you like me you must not know who I am
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.