Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.