You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?