Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
