I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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