I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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