The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
