She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
