i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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