Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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