Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
