do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
