Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
