My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
