Moan for me like Helen Keller
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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