God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
