i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
