im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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