But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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