My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Bring me that man meat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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