no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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