Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
