I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
