I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
