wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my liver is dry heaving
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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