i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
