I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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